11 Jun Five Tips to Help You Weather Your Child’s Temper Tantrum Storm
It can happen anytime, anywhere. Your sweet, adorable little child suddenly becomes a screaming, kicking, snotty defiant little monster. Nothing will calm them down unless you give in to their demands, whether it is ice cream, screen time or something they asked for at the store. You try reasoning with them. “But it’s almost dinnertime,” you tell them. Or, “you’ve already had a lot of screen time today.” Or, “You have plenty of toys at home and don’t need one more.”
But the more you try and reason with them, the louder their screams get and now they’re also throwing themselves on the ground flailing.
While your child is having their tantrum, your own stress level increases sharply and triggers the stress response, especially if you are tired, hungry or otherwise depleted. You might start screaming at your child, restrain them forcefully or walk away. You might also feel embarrassed, especially if others are watching.
Remember you are not alone! Every parent will experience their child tantrum at some point. Temper tantrums cannot be avoided but they can be managed.
Here are a couple of tried-and-true tips.
1. Remain calm.
Yes, I know it is easier said than done but it is essential in these situations. Your child might be overstimulated, tired or hungry or all the above. Remind yourself that they’re not be-ing bad but rather have limited capacity for emotional regula-tion. Wear your compassionate hat rather than your discipline one. Have a drink of water to help yourself calm down. Take a couple of deep breaths and remind yourself that they need your help. Never give in to their demands when they tantrum or this behaviour will become more frequent.
2. Use empathy and compassion rather than reasoning or threats.
Your child’s need to feel understood is greater than their need to understand. Feeling understood is in the basis of our experience as humans and is essential for our survival as a species. The more empathetic you can be, the shorter the tantrum will last. Remember that your child cannot think reasonably during an emotional flood. They may also be too young to understand the logic behind your decision. Using threats or punishment during a tantrum are likely to prolong it, as your child will feel even more unsafe than before.
Examples of empathic responses are: “You’re disappointed because you want (fill in the blanks).” “You are sad because you can’t have that.” “You’re mad because I won’t buy you that toy.” “I know you’re upset.”
3. Offer affectionate touch but do not impose it.
Use tender touch unless restraining them for safety rea-sons. Some children welcome a hug or a caress while being upset while others prefer to have space. Work with your child’s preference, if it is safe. You may ask them directly if a hug could help. If they refuse your touch, you can reassure them it is okay and that you are going to be there when they are ready for a hug. Try not to take it personally if they do not want you to touch them. They may be too overwhelmed to know what can help them.
4. Offer them a cold drink.
A cold drink or just holding a cold item such as a cold bottle of water or another beverage, ice or a bag of frozen vegeta-bles or fruits will help calm their nervous system and shift it from stress to calm mode. Also, swallowing calms the nervous system, so it’s something that both you and your child can use to calm down during a tantrum.
5. Be patient.
Your time, persistence and patience will pay off. When you offer empathy and compassion on a regular basis, your child will gradually learn to regulate their own emotions and calm their own storm.
Dealing with your child’s temper tantrum is never fun or easy. If you are feeling maxed out or completely depleted to begin with, it may be even more challenging for you. So, make sure to take care of yourself and give yourself breaks on a regular basis. Doing so will allow you to manage your child’s next tantrum more efficiently. Taking care of yourself is not selfish or indulgent but rather the responsible thing to do.
Dr. Michal (Michelle) Regev is a Registered Psychologist and Marriage and Family Therapist, practicing in BC. She has been an avid supporter of women and their mental health care and has presented in conferences and workshops worldwide.